Saturday, February 6, 2010

Coming to tearms....

It has been now several weeks since I found out about my "condition".....talking about it has helped....as has writing about it. From time to time I go back and read what I wrote and it brings it all back to me. Yeah, it's real...yeah, it's there.

For the most part I am at peace with this...it is what it is. But there are moments when I am angry....until I think of a few things...

As one of my kind readers wrote,"SOMETHING is going to get us in the end anyway, at least you have the privilege of knowing something probably 90% of people in the world wouldn't know about themselves if they had it because of where they live and their lack of good health care."...and he is right...so that is, I guess, a good thing.

Moreover, I remind of myself of a request I made to God. See, when my father was sick with pneumonia and it did not look to good for him, I prayed very hard...and even made a request that God shave some years off of my life and give them to my father. I know...I know....you cannot bargain with God....but I just could not imagine my life without my father in it, and I was afraid, and so I prayed, and at the time I meant it....and if I had to do it over again, I would do it just the same. I don't regret it. But...the teensiest, tiniest, itty, bitty thought that maybe...just maybe this is what my condition stems from gives me a H U G E grin on my face....and all this gives me a warm fuzzy in my heart.

My husband does not know that such thoughts would enter my little ole' brain...I have a feeling he would not be happy about it all...but I think that he does not realize that I would think such a thing in re to him, our kids, my brothers, my nephews, his mom, my mom...and I guess that's it...

Now after all this thinking I (a) have a headache (thinking is not something I do that often - duh!), and (b) continue this painful process by going further and berating myself for even remotely entertaining the idea that one human could influence what God has ordained to happen...the nerve! At such moments I get out my King Tut headgear and wear it. I mean, after all, if I am going to act like a Pharaoh I might as well look the part.

Eventually I catch a view of myself in one of the mirrors in the house as I go about my business cleaning, organizing, etc. etc. with my "Tut Hat" on and I laugh...(Pharaoh head accoutrements and prescription eye-wear do not go together by any stretch of the imagination)....and I thank God that this has given me an opportunity to appreciate the silly, stupid things as well as the profound.

Now, I wonder where I can find a purse that just screams "ancient Egyptian ruler"???

2 comments:

Christina said...

Do you really have a pharoh headress? this I need to see! You will come to terms with it and find peace....it just takes time. I struggled with that for a long time with my heart condition, why me and all that. But now I've accepted that it's just a part of me and it doesn't impace my daily life much at all...well, other than the medical bills anyway!

Nina said...

Yes, oh yes I do have a pharaoh headdress...I wore it to school when we had our "put a cap on drugs" day and we got to wear a cap / hat. I tell you, it was the talk of the building....