I guess it is a sign of getting old....or maybe my illness....but I find myself more and more thinking of the way "things used to be". My brain fills of images of people who passed through my life....relatives and friends.
Today I find rememberances (is that a word - well now it is, I just typed it!) of my grandmother....of what a strong, honorable, good person she was. How she lived her life with dignity and an abiding love of God. When she passed away a door to my past had closed forever. She was blessed with a knowledge of when her time was up and prepared herself for it (confession, making peace with all she knew)...and after she died I saw her in a dream (9 days later?) as a bride. Such was the type of woman she was.
I remember when we lived in Greece for a few years, she would help my mother when we awoke in the mornings. They would both wash our faces and see to our morning prayers. As she would rinse my face with her soft hands I would stick my tongue out to lick the water that was on them...I guess I was thirsty. Anyway this made her laugh.
I know that my life has had its ups and downs...and that my actions (or should I say REactions) to certain events have greatly grieved her (I firmly believe she looks upon us from where she is)...and for that I am sorry....truly sorry. What would HER reactions have been? Certainly light years from what mine were. Oh her disappointment in me must be great! And that is hard to bear.
So now I find myself trying to show her that I am not a total boob...that her lessons in my life have not gone wasted. I miss her, and I will always strive to make her proud of me.
May our lives be blessed with the dignity that would make our loved ones (living and dead) proud of us....
This is going to be one inter-reflective Lent...but then again, shouldn't they all be?